What the heck was I suppose to do?

I know I give off this Devil may care attitude and at heart I really am a rebel. I could care less about what anyone thinks of me and I rather enjoy my snide, brash, stop for no man attitude.

Then again, What the heck was I supposed to do!

I have long forgiven myself for completely becoming unnerved at the sight of that man. I hate to admit it, but I have to force myself to keep up pretenses and seem cool and calm around him. Now don’t get this wrong, I wasn’t always like this. When I first met him I actually disliked him. I disliked the fact that I was having this man thrust upon me and now I would be weighed down by a partner. I didn’t like his uppity, tight ass air. Well, that was a little harsh, but you have to admit at times he does act like there is a long, thick stick shoved right up his arse. Anyway, after that initial assignment, seeing how determined he was to stay with me and accompany me to the hospital, I realized that maybe I had him pegged wrong. So I opened up, little by little, and once I got to know him fell, for lack of better words, head over heels.

I know others, as well as him, see me as a mass of walking hormones, a highschool male that has yet to think beyond this groin. I admit, I do have a healthy libido, but I can appreciate the personality and attributes of others. That was how it was the first day I met him. Yes, I disliked him, as I have said before, but that didn’t take away from his great beauty. His dirty blond hair with highlights of chestnut and gold, with bangs that hung in front of his eyes. My God, those eyes! I have never seen eyes so dark, like pools of the finest dark chocolate. They were enchanting and sensual and I don’t think he even knows it. So I guess you can say that my mind was already slightly jaded from that first meeting. I should have seen the attraction coming, instead it hit me like a punch to the gut.

I really didn’t know it was there until the night that we watched over the young pickpocket Carol. When he so easily waved is hand and chuckled, dismissing my advances. That pissed me off! When I kissed him I had only meant to wipe that smirk off his face. None the less, it was once my lips were on his that I realized just how wonderful he felt. I had meant to rattle him and though I succeeded in that I also found myself weak kneed with heart pounding, palms sweating, blah blah blah. So it was at that moment that I knew I would be nothing but jelly in this man’s presence and that I would have to forgive myself for that. So in an attempt not to be seen as "weak" by male standards I kept up my guard and continued to be brash and snide. Even around him.

Somehow that aspect didn’t seem to run him away, in fact, we seemed to be growing closer. He saved my hide many a time and I was there when he lost his cool as well. We complimented each other nicely and I really didn’t want that to change, just become stronger. I do have this Devil may care attitude, but when I saw him that night. I’ll ask again.

What the hell was I supposed to do!

I was annoyed that night already, it was Ryo’s turn to keep watch over Alicia Grant so that meant another night without him. So the knocking at my door didn’t help my mood. The harsh words were out before I could check them even as my mind registered the person as Ryo.

What was I supposed to do? If you had seen his eyes then you would have done the same thing as I. You would have drop your guard.

He didn’t speak just walked in a grabbing a pair of my pajamas and a towel went to my bathroom. I was so shocked by the tremendous amount of hurt and grief in his eyes that it never occurred to me that I had a naked Ryo in my house. Well, it occurred to me, but it just didn’t matter. I called all the powers that be and covered for him, using my "there is no room for argument" voice and waited. When he emerged from the bath I told him of the phone call I had made and he nodded smiling slightly at me and then thanking me for the use of my shower. There was an incredibly long pause as he sat and just stared off into the distance.

So I spoke, letting him know that I knew his mood was a result of running into Leo Grant again. Leo, the man who had killed his parents in a misunderstanding. Leo, the man that took that act as a sign that he should detach himself from his conscience and become unaffected by killing and death. I forced myself to keep my features of ones of concern even though I wanted to spit at the ground in disgust of that man.

Ryo spoke softly, telling me that Leo had shown remorse for killing his family, saying that he understood if he wanted to kill him in return. Giving him permission to do so. Then without much warning Ryo told me he just wanted to see me.

These words were spoken many times before between us. His tone hadn’t changed and he didn’t lean toward me in an attempt to convey unspoken desire. He didn’t bat his lashes or lick his lips. He didn’t do any of these things, but he might as well have. The passion in his eyes was unmistakable. I kissed him softly. Just to say that I understand, but wouldn’t take advantage.

He was the one who pulled me down onto the bed, onto himself.

I broke away, a feat worthy of a medal, and looked at him. He was hurt and distraught and grieving, but he was a grown man none the less. I asked for his approval, noticing the gleam in his eye hadn’t faltered. His total acceptance sent a shutter through me.

So, What the hell was I supposed to do?

I was supposed to be gentle and enjoy myself.

-End